She feels..

As if I'm selfish, its all about me all the time, I'm more worried about looking good than actually being sincere and caring. And that hurts. It does. But hey she said there is nothing I can do. Its just who I am. And in the same breath tell me there are things about me that I need to change. When I ask what and how? I got there is nothing you can do its just who you are.

Well. I know who I am. And to be honest 50% of the time I hate that person. And because of that for the last about 7+ months I've been trying to change (read my blogs starting from like march and you will see). Ask her. I haven't changed what so ever. Ask my mom, dad, sister, and best friend and I have. Even if its just a little. You have to start somewhere. I had to find the problem first. And there is one.

Our situation obviously isn't handled. Or fixed. If it were I wouldn't be tearing up as I write this. I really am bothered that she took me trying to be sincere and ask her what I can do to make her feel like I care about her "feelings" and turned to make me look negative. She said I only am asking so that I can make myself feel better. And so I can say, I did my part. Instead of telling me so I can fix it. Or try too. She is giving me no options. She is the only one who can help me fix it because she feels that way. Sad sad sad to hear your girlfriend say that. When in reality this is who I am. I am that nice, sweet girl. It also comes with my emotions. I don't want to change who I am and become this girl who is non chalant. And doesn't care. Because when I stop caring I seriously stop caring and I will get non chalant and be an ass. I can't be non chalant with her. Because I care too much. If I didn't love her I wouldn't get my feelings hurt from her words. They would go in and out of one ear like everyone else's words do.

I think she fails to realize I just really from the bottom of my heart want this to work. Ill try anything. I pointed her to an example. Now she is mad about that and "demanded" I never compare her again. When I wasn't comparing. I was using the person as a perfect example. She said she wont go to counseling. And when I ask her certain things I got "I don't have to, and I won't." Making things so difficult. And almost impossible to hold a conversation. And even though I'm sad as hell and very upset I still hugged and kiss her when she got home, even though I said when got home we needed to finish our conversation (which we didn't). I Stared @ her when she isn't looking and thought I just hope things do change. I want to be with her. All I can do is wait and see.

I feel like a burden to her. IF I comfort you when you cry my feelings are being put aside. When really if I'm crying and your not I'm the one who is hurting. So how are your feelings being put aside? And considering. 99% of the time I'm crying alone and or I call my best friend or mother (my comforters). And she never says or does anything so doesn't that mean my feelings are being put aside. At most she may walk past and say what's wrong with you, or maybe why are you crying. Because you don't want to comfort your girlfriend, or don't know how, or don't feel you should because your angry so let her cry? I'm unsure of the exact things going through her head. And not every time like she says. I don't literally mean every time I cry. Its not even about the tears its about why I'm crying, the pain underneath it and what made them appear. But its like she doesn't really want too (or doesn't know how too). If she did it naturally I wouldn't have to "demand" as she says. If she did it naturally I wouldn't have to ask therefore making her feel "forced". Forced to comfort your girlfriend and give emotional support? Something is wrong here? Something big. Somethings lacking that neccesary to make a relationship work. Unless you have two emotionless non chalant people who dont care enough to comfort each other and be there. My thing is. I cannot not have emotional support for the remainder of my life. I say that because I plan on building and carrying out a life with her. I can't be alone at my weakest moments. I asked her what I can do to make her not feel lonely and I got the nothing. But I asked. I dont want her to feel lonely. And it isn't a burden to. She will one day be my wife.

Emotional support is vital n a relationship. And that's not just my opinion. Its a fact. I am not trying to put her down but she needs to understand that. And she needs to be there. Its not a demand from me just because I want it. Its because if she wants this to work as much as I do, she has too. She will call that a demand. But its not a demand from me. Its something she should know. She will say that's my opinion we are two different people. But ask some other people and they will tell you its necessary. She wont ask. She doesn't care what other people think of us. Its us. But us talking doesn't work. Because we are two different people we have two different opinions. So everything I say is just my opinion. She will say because I say she needs to do it or this won't work that I'm saying its all or nothing. Therefore making me selfish. But its not all or nothing. Emotional support comes with a package. With a real relationship. We are not children in highschool who dont nurture relationships and just screw each other and have another girlfriend next week. We are planning our lives. And things like this come up and happen. And it helps you grow as a person.

I don't want to be anyones burden. It hurts me to think I'm hers. I want her to feel like she has me to come too. I dont know why she feels lonely I'm there for her emotionally. She just doesn't show feelings. But she can with me. I guess she says she shows them with anger. That anger conflicts with my sensitive emotions. Her anger makes her this hard ass who sits on the other couch silent. While I cry alone. If she needed that affection and comfort as I said many times. I'd be there. No burden. But as she says that's just me. I'm @ a loss. All I can do is wait and see if that changes. I will only be alone for so many more years before I get tired of calling mybest friend for at support. Have you ever just needed a hug? Yeah something like that. My best friend can't hug me over the phone. And when I get off of the phone with her my girlfriend more than likely is sitting on the couch silent.

It breaks my heart when I say gets turned around negatively. She probably feels the same way. But the difference is she isn't asking me to work with her to change anything. She isn't talking about making this work. In fact she may think its all fine and dandy. She took my words and made me seem like I'm selfish. But ill tell you this. I dont know many girls like me. I'm very nice, I'm caring, I'm sweet, I'm sensitive to feelings and emotions, I'm affectionate, I'm going to be a good mother. But yes I have my flaws. Which I consider my emotions. I'm not perfect. And everyone has selfishness in them and one point in time. And I haven't called her selfish not one time. I call her harsh. But I coould very well call her selfish too only, I'm not trying to put her down or make her feel lower than herself. She is amazing. I'm trying to get her to learn how to nurture and comfort a woman. I'm coming to her with issues instead of holding them in and leaving like I once did before. I'm venting because I dont know what to do. I'm still angry at her for saying I am trying to make myself feel good. I'm not over it. And I wont be. She left it at that and doesn't see the good n it for some reason. Perhaps because she was angry. I will be hurt if we break up from this. And she learns how important emotional support is after I'm gone. And her next girlfriend gets it. I will work with her if she allows me too. As long as she is trying. I will be here. But if she doesn't try and help me out I can't make this work alone. It takes two people to work on a relationship. I love this woman.